After discussing in detail with colleagues at the Donders and at the FIL, I have implemented the peer-to-peer distributed computing toolbox for MATLAB. Most of the desired functionality is now in place, and it seems to work robustly and efficiently.
The peer toolbox allows you to do something like this in MATLAB
a = randn(400,400);
tic; cellfun('pinv', {a, a, a, a, a}, 'UniformOutput', false); toc
tic; peercellfun('pinv', {a, a, a, a, a}, 'UniformOutput', false); toc